It is one of the most common things Philippe Jacquet hears in the consulting room. A patient describes their situation — what happened, what was done to them, what they did not receive, what they lost — and arrives at the same conclusion: it’s not fair.
He hears it, and he means this without reservation: they are right.
Life is not fair. It is an existential predicament — not a personal failing, not a misunderstanding, not something that will be corrected if the right person is informed. It is the condition. Every human being, without exception, finds themselves at some point facing circumstances they did not choose, did not deserve, and would not have selected.
The grief that needs to happen
It is not only okay to spend time in that feeling. It is necessary.
What the sense of unfairness is usually pointing to is a grief — the grief of the gap between what was hoped for and what is. The childhood that should have been different. The relationship that should have been nourishing. The recognition that should have come.
That grief is real, and it deserves time. Rushing past it — telling someone to simply accept reality and move on — is not therapeutic honesty. It is impatience dressed as wisdom.
The moment of return
But grief, if it is working, moves. At some point — not on a schedule, but organically, as the mourning does its work — a question becomes possible that was not possible before.
What can I do about this?
Not: why did this happen. Not: who is responsible. But: given this reality — given what actually is, rather than what should have been — how do I take responsibility for moving forward?
This is not resignation. It is the shift from a confrontation with reality to an engagement with it. The question changes from this is not what I expected to what do I do with what is.
That shift does not arrive by being told to make it. It arrives by grieving what was lost, honestly and completely, until the grief has done its work and the person can turn and face what remains.
“When a patient tells me life is not fair, I agree with them. It isn’t. And it is right to grieve that — the gap between what we hoped for and what arrived is a real loss. But grief is not a destination. At some point, the question has to change. Not why did this happen. But what do I do from here.” — Philippe Jacquet
Book a consultation with Philippe Jacquet — psychotherapist and Jungian analyst, London.