Boundaries — the private garden

Boundaries are the structures that define and protect the self — physically, emotionally, and psychologically. Without them, it is impossible to be both in relationship with others and in relationship with oneself.

The private garden

You cannot make everyone else happy and be happy yourself. Not simultaneously. Not sustainably.

Think of it as a private garden. The garden is yours — what you think, what you believe, what you feel, what you can offer and what you cannot. Boundaries are the walls of that garden. They do not need to be high or hostile. But they need to exist. Without them, anyone can walk in, take what they want, and leave the garden depleted.

A person without boundaries is not generous. They are unprotected.

Three levels

Physical boundaries govern the body and personal space — what others can do to you, how close they can come.

Emotional boundaries determine what you take responsibility for feeling. A person with collapsed emotional boundaries absorbs the moods and distress of everyone around them as though these were their own.

Psychological boundaries protect what you think and believe — the right to hold a different opinion, to reach your own conclusions, even inside a close relationship. Without them, the self quietly disappears into the views of whoever is nearest.

Anger and guilt

People who struggle to maintain boundaries almost always struggle with anger. Anger is the emotional signal that a boundary is needed — the internal voice that says: stop, right here. For people who have learned that their anger is unacceptable, the signal gets suppressed. And with it goes the boundary.

Once a boundary is placed, the heat cools — and what arrives in its place is often guilt. The sense of having been selfish, unkind. This guilt is not evidence that the boundary was wrong. It is evidence that boundaries are unfamiliar. The guilt passes. The boundary needs to hold anyway.

A first step

Many people cannot say no. The word feels too blunt, too exposing. Philippe Jacquet offers a practical first move: instead of no, say let me think about it.

This creates space to actually ask yourself whether you want to do something. It signals to the other person that the answer is not a guaranteed yes. For someone who has spent years saying yes before the question is finished, this is a significant act. It is where boundaries begin.

“Without boundaries, your life will be an ongoing struggle — because you cannot make everyone else happy and also be happy yourself. Boundaries are not walls to keep people out. They are the definition of who you are. Your private garden. And you are allowed to have one.” — Philippe Jacquet

Book a consultation with Philippe Jacquet — psychotherapist and Jungian analyst, London.