Codependency — losing the self in relation to another

Codependency is a relational structure in which one person progressively loses the boundaries of self in relation to another — organising their identity, emotions, and choices around the needs, moods, or behaviours of someone else.

Origins of the term

The word codependency emerged from the addiction field. Melody Beattie described it as a secondary disease: the alcoholic is addicted to alcohol; the family member becomes addicted to the alcoholic. Their attention, energy, and sense of self become organised entirely around managing, rescuing, or surviving the person with the addiction.

Pia Mellody reframed this significantly. For Mellody, codependency is not secondary — it is a primary condition rooted in developmental trauma. The child who could not afford to have a self in the family system grows into an adult who still cannot locate one.

Boundaries — external and internal

External boundaries govern physical space and what we allow others to do to us. Internal boundaries protect who you are — your feelings, your values, your beliefs, your right to think differently from the people you love. In codependency, internal boundaries do not hold.

The codependent person is more preoccupied with what others think of them than with what they think of themselves. As Jung observed: if you don’t know who you are, the world will tell you who you are.

The drama triangle

Karpman’s Drama Triangle describes three relational positions — Saviour, Victim, Persecutor — that codependent systems rotate through. The Saviour needs someone to rescue; the Victim welcomes the rescue. It works until it doesn’t. When continued rescuing would require the Victim to recover, the structure is threatened. The Saviour, pushed away, becomes the Persecutor — and the Victim is confirmed in their identity once more. The triangle spins. Nobody leaves it without understanding which role they entered from.

The persona in codependency

The codependent presents a persona of helpfulness and self-sacrifice. Clinically, it is emotional regulation — managing the anxiety of not being loved, not being needed. When they cannot help, they do not feel disappointed. They feel meaningless. The face of selflessness is built over a terror of the self.

“The codependent does not know they have lost themselves. They have been so focused on the other person for so long that the question — what do I actually want? — arrives like a foreign language. The work is not to become selfish. It is to become real.” — Philippe Jacquet

Book a consultation with Philippe Jacquet — psychotherapist and Jungian analyst, London.