An honest test, not a verdict
The ten questions
- When someone who matters takes time to answer a message, does anxiety climb until the reply arrives?
- Does your self-esteem depend on the attention they grant you: high when they are present, collapsed when they pull away?
- Do you systematically put other people's needs before your own, to the point of neglecting yourself?
- Is the prospect of being alone (an evening, a weekend, a life) almost unbearable?
- Have you ever given, lent or sacrificed more than is reasonable (money, time, dignity) to keep someone?
- Do you feel responsible for fixing the problems of the people you love, even unasked?
- Does seeing someone struggle make you feel bad until you have rescued them?
- Do you feel guilt and resentment toward the very person you sacrifice yourself for?
- Have you ever stayed too long with a partner who drinks, uses, or cannot stand on their own, because they needed you?
- At bottom: do you need the other person, or need to be needed, in order to be well with yourself?
What your answers mean
There is no magic score. One question that pierced you can count for more than five ticked absently. What the clinic has taught me: when most of these situations sound like you, and above all when they hurt, it is not that you love too much. It is that your self-worth hangs on the other person’s gaze, or on being needed, and that has a name. The good news holds in one sentence: what was learned can be unlearned.
What comes next
To understand where it comes from and how it heals: codependency and emotional dependency, and the saviour complex. For the full ground: the free book The Hold. And if the suffering is real, the next step can be spoken: a first conversation is confidential and without commitment.
Common questions
Is this codependency test a diagnosis?
No, and no online test is. It is a tool for reflection: ten questions drawn from twenty-five years of clinical practice, to help you look honestly at your way of loving and helping. A real assessment happens with a clinician, in a conversation.
What is the difference between codependency and emotional dependency?
A motto for each says it all: emotional dependency is 'I need you in order to be well with myself.' Codependency is 'I need to fix you in order to be well with myself.' The first questions below speak to the first; the last ones to the second; many people recognise themselves in both.
What should I do if I recognise myself?
Read the pages on codependency and the saviour complex, which explain where it comes from and how it heals. And if the suffering is real, talk about it: a first conversation is confidential and without commitment.