A warning first
The ten questions
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Do you honestly no longer know whether the problem is you or the other person?
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Was the beginning extraordinary, a soulmate, a unique connection, before everything turned?
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Is affection withdrawn, then returned, then withdrawn, without your understanding why?
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Do you carry the responsibility for everything that goes wrong?
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Do you doubt your memory, your perception, your own good sense after certain conversations?
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Do you walk on eggshells, weighing every word to avoid criticism?
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Have you lost friends, family, a network, since this relationship began?
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Has your sense of your own worth collapsed since you have been together?
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Have you lost the capacity to start anything new without them?
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The decisive question: a difficult partner makes you angry; does this one make you doubt your own mind?
This is an information tool, not a diagnostic one: no online test can diagnose anything. If you recognise yourself here and it is causing you difficulty, the right next step is a conversation with a qualified professional.
What the answers mean
Little of this sounds like you
On these answers the signature is not there: you may doubt the relationship, but not your own mind. A relationship can be difficult, disappointing, even exhausting, without belonging to this pattern. One reservation, though: if the fifth question pierced you while the others did not, that is the one to listen to.Some of this sounds like you
Some of these are present without the picture being complete, and this is exactly where quick conclusions do harm: not every difficult person is a narcissist, and the word has been worn thin by overuse. What is worth watching now is the direction of travel. If the confusion is settling in, if you explain yourself more and more and recognise yourself less and less. That is worth looking at. The essay on narcissistic abuse describes the full mechanism.Most of this sounds like you
Most of the picture is here. What matters now is not the count but the confusion: when your perception itself is under attack, this is no longer an ordinary difficulty between two people, and it is looked at with a clinician rather than alone. For the mechanism: the essay on narcissistic abuse. For the ground beneath it and the way out: the toxic relationship and the free book The Hold.What your answers mean
The count is a prompt, not a verdict, and no arrangement of ten answers amounts to a diagnosis of anyone. There is no magic score here, but there is a signature: confusion. If you no longer know whether it is you or them, if your perception itself is under attack, this may no longer be an ordinary difficult relationship, and it deserves to be looked at with a clinician.
What comes next
For the whole mechanism: the essay on narcissistic abuse. For the ground beneath it: the toxic relationship and the fear of abandonment. For the full account and the way out: the free book The Hold. And if you want to talk it through: a first conversation is confidential and without commitment.
Dr Philippe Jacquet is a UKCP registered psychotherapist, a Jungian analyst and an HCPC registered art psychotherapist, with twenty-five years of clinical practice. His Professional Doctorate in Analytical Psychology at the University of Essex examined male eating disorders from the perspective of analytical psychology. Registration can be checked on either public register.
Other tests: codependency, highly sensitive person, borderline.
Common questions
Can this test confirm that my partner is a narcissist?
No, and no online test can: not every difficult person is a narcissist, and this is not a verdict on your partner. It is a tool for reflection on what you are living, inside this relationship. The signature to watch for is confusion: no longer knowing whether the problem is you or the other person.
What should I do if I recognise myself in this test?
If confusion dominates, if your perception itself is under attack, that deserves to be looked at with a clinician. Read the full essay on narcissistic abuse, and the free book The Hold, which also covers the question of safety. And if you are frightened, for yourself or your children, your safety comes first: in the UK, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
Does this work if the person is not a partner?
Largely, yes. The same pattern appears with a parent, an adult child, a sibling, a manager. Read each question with that person in mind instead; the eighth and tenth questions tend to be the ones that decide it either way.